Took medication, went to sleep for 8 hours. Woke up, took more medication and had some food. I barely kept it down. I thought for a few minutes I was going to throw up. After giving my stomach some time to calm down, I had an aromatherapy bath to help me relax.

Tried to stop taking Percocet without help. Big mistake. Dizziness, nausea, headaches, hot and cold sweats. Talked to my roommate who has been through this before. He suggests resuming regular dosage until I see the pain specialist on Monday. So I’m going to do that for now.

I just had a shower for the first time in a month. This is me figuring out how to get into the shower with the leg brace on.

It’s 6am.

I’ve slept probably 3 hours at the most. I’ve increased the dosing intervals for my Percocet from 6 to 8 hours and I’m feeling it. My leg starts to ache well before it’s time for my next dose, probably not because I need it for pain suppression but rather because I’m addicted to the pain killer. It’s harder to move around when my leg hurts. I have a banana. I drag the useless weight to the bathroom, then to the fridge for a few swallows of cold brew coffee. I’d like to put on a shirt because I’m a little bit cooler than I’d like but right now getting off the bed again and over to the shelf to fetch a shirt seems too hard.

Every time I get up or sit down it’s an event. Jam my knee down uncomfortably and lock the brace into the straight position. Drag my leg off the side of the bed. Lean over and pull the crutches up. Balance on my one good leg while I settle the crutches into my torso. Then off I go, every swing of my leg a disaster waiting to happen. Each step is a chance to slip and fall, causing further damage to my leg or other parts of my body.

As I finish writing this, the caffeine and the percocet kick in, causing me to sigh with relief and granting me another four to five hours of blissful relief before I begin the slow descent into misery again for the remaining three to four hours. At the seven hour mark I’ll be jonesing for the perkies. Maybe the pain management specialist is right: Maybe I am a junkie.

Today was a pretty good day.

Edward’s assistant came by this morning and washed my laundry. I went to physical therapy. They said I’m making good progress. We had lunch, then I came home and rested. Later I went to dinner with some friends. Then I had the most amazing, comfortable nap.

I had a dream about a little girl who likes to look at autumn leaves. She would stop to look at them every chance she got. Everyone made fun of her for spending her time at such a trivial pursuit, but she just smiled and said “some day you’ll understand.”